Looking for Happiness, Where Ever it May Be

So I feel amazingly blue today. News of my uncle's impending demise is hitting me in a strange way. He and I have never been close. But the tragedy of knowing one only has 4 weeks to live, if lucky, is a hard one with which not to not empathize. My mom is devastated. I seem to be a sponge that soaks up the energy around me and right now, that is not a good thing. How does one acknowledge such news, to someone with whom they are not close? I have never once called him, so to do so now seems odd. I suppose a card, but saying what???? Sorry you are going to die? That is AWFUL! I am sure I can come up with something, but Jesus, this sucks.

I am trying one last option to see if I can avoid bankruptcy. I am going to try to get a consolidation loan. If that doesn't work - bankruptcy it is. I simply can not continue paying the criminal 32% interest I am being charged. I was never late or over-limit. The companies just started raising rates when the government passed that new legislation. No one will work with me. SO , I am starting to say fuck them, then. I was and am a good customer. I do not deserve this treatment. And I am tired of struggling so hard to stay afloat when these greedy corporations are the ones that have caused all of this trouble in the first place.

So, how to rid myself of the blues today? I just do not know. I suppose listening to Norah Jones is not particularly helpful....maybe I need some Michael Jackson to pull me out of this mess...or the Broadway soundtrack to Avenue Q...

The Beginning

I have always thought this is silly. I have never understood why people blog. Seems like it is arrogant or self-aggrandizing to think that anyone else would want to read my thoughts. But here I am. Here I am starting one on my own. I might get it now. It doesn't even matter if anyone reads this. It is just for me to get my thoughts out there. Maybe a way to clear my head or cleanse my soul...if, as a by-product, someone finds it interesting, so be it.

So this is the beginning of my soul-searching experiment. I am trying to see if I can get my head on straight - to wrap my brain around the internal dialogue that is blocking my progress on so many levels. I desperately need to make some changes and I find my brain committing to change, but then I emotionally give up and find any old excuse to give up on the change.

The list of things I want to work on is extensive...here it is, in no particular order:

1. Eating under control - I have to stop over-eating ans eating junk food

2. Exercise - I get none t and I really want to do it. Just need to figure out how to fit it in

3. Patience - I do not have enough patience with anyone -me, my husband, my kids...

4. Happiness - finding it....not sure where it went, but it seems a little elusive these days

5. Financial house in order - have to get the debt and spending under control

6. Relationships - need to foster some, repair others, let go of the dead weight once and for all.

7. Act more, whine less - I complain about the state of the world and do nothing to change it.

I guess that is enough to start with. Certainly there is more...but this is only the Beginning.